Now that I'm pretty advanced in my pregnancy (I'll be 6.5 months along next week!), things are getting real. The baby room is starting to come together, I find myself wondering about whether or not the baby's eyes will be similar to ours, I'm mildly freaking out about giving birth ... - you know, the usual. :) Apart from my struggles in the beginning, it's been a pretty smooth ride thus far, and I've actually really been enjoying these past couple of weeks, feeling our little one have fun in my belly (just as you guys told me!). And as it goes, this calmer phase has given me the time to finally process the impact that this baby is going to have on our lives. I'm fully aware it's totally impossible to even begin to assess this, because there are just so many unknown factors, and I have to admit - as a natural born control freak - that this scares me a little bit.
I've been trying to pinpoint this lingering feeling that I've been having, and I guess it comes down to this: I've always been really happy with my life. And no matter how thankful and excited I am for this baby, there's a part of me that wishes I (biologically) would have had a bit more time. As I'm in my early thirties now I technically had a few years left before entering the age zone when it can be a bit more challenging to conceive (as my doctor told me), so we decided to not take any risks and go for it now. I got pregnant much faster than we anticipated (which was such a blessing!), and I had kind of expected for my life not to change that much - at least not in those first few months. So when everything was turned upside down in an instant, it took by surprise.
I feel like I've worked very hard to be where I am right now. And luckily, I was brought up with the idea that a girl should pursue her dreams, no matter what. But as I was turning 30 I felt this dilemma hanging over my head. I was talking about this to some friends the other day, and this turned out to be a common struggle (always so nice to have that we're-in-this-together feeling, right??). Even apart from the baby thing, hitting 30 can be such a scary event, causing waaay too many nagging questions: am I where I want to be in life? Am I doing what I always wanted to do? Did I see all the places I wanted to see? Did I date all the guys I wanted to date? And the worst one: did I settle for less? That's the thing about reaching an age where society sort of expects you to settle down: all of a sudden there are all these ultimatums that you didn't anticipate.
This is not an easy thing to address, and while I might look back on this piece once the baby's here and laugh at myself, right now, I'm really determined to keep reaching for the stars, in every single part of my life. I've always been the most proud of the fact that I created this business from scratch, based on nothing but my intuition, and I'm just not willing to let that part of my personality go - 30+ or no 30+, baby or no baby. I often hear people talk about life getting in the way of their dreams, but I just don't want to ever feel that way. As long as I'm healthy, I want to explore the world, grow my business, fall down, make mistakes, and learn from them. And I guess that's also my biggest wish for this little baby of ours: that he'll pick up this fearlessness that I've been trying to maintain my whole life, and that it'll make him think of the world as his playground, rather than this big scary place he could never imagine to make his own. All things considered, that would truly be the biggest blessing of all.
How do you feel about this? Any of this sounds familiar? Have you struggled with the ultimatums that seem to come with your age? I'd love to hear! :)