First things first: thank you SO much for the overwhelming amount of sweet wishes after announcing that we're expecting our first baby. It made me beyond happy to read every single one of them! :) I wanted to take a moment today to talk to you about my experiences during these past 4 months of my pregnancy, now that I finally can. It's been really difficult to keep this from you all, not just because, eh, I can't keep secrets, but also because it basically became pretty difficult after a while to come up with a believable explanation for feeling super sick all.the.time. Yes, the first trimester of my pregnancy was no joke. In fact, it was probably one of the hardest things I ever went through, not in a well-this-is-mildly-uncomfortable kind of way, but in a trying-to-get-through-the-day kind of way. I suffered from severe sickness from day 1 - not morning sickness, but feeling nauseous and truly awful all day all night, for 3.5 months in a row. We're talking days of throwing up 15 times, followed by nights of no sleep at all and more of the same the next day. After a month or so, my doctor advised me to start taking medicine to diminish the sickness, because I had lost so much weight that it became dangerous for the baby. It helped a little bit, but not enough to allow me to function in a normal way. It's kind of hard to recollect the entire experience (and I'm sure nobody's waiting to hear about that :)), but if I have to describe it: I just felt totally and utterly ... lost. I've tried to pinpoint the essence of it, and it basically comes down to the fact that I didn't feel like myself anymore. The thought of having a baby is on itself big enough to take some time to get used to, but if you don't feel like yourself throughout the process... Not fun.
As you know, I've always had a pretty hectic lifestyle, involving lots of running around and traveling - which I adore so much! I mean, I worked for this my entire life and it makes me really happy. So it's safe to say I want to keep all of these things in my life, regardless of the circumstances. And just like that, almost overnight, everything I loved in life - moving around, organising a gazillion projects, creating inspiring content, and (o help me) food - became super challenging to do. It came so unexpected to me that it completely threw me off: wasn't pregnancy supposed to feel like the most natural thing? Where was this pink cloud everyone was always talking about? Why was my body failing me like this?
During this whole time I kept thinking about this piece that Jennifer Anniston wrote last year, about being SO fed up with people assuming that she wanted to have children, and that her life would be incomplete without them. It just made me realize in a more general way, how having a baby is often portrayed as a 'logical' part of a woman's life, simultaneously assuming that it's the best thing that can happen to her. Yes, her body will change, and yes, her hormones will go crazy, but she MUST be thankful and appreciative of this miracle, which MUST supersede all these inconveniences. That's just not the way it has been for me: the impact on me as a person has been pretty scary, and definitely not something I anticipated - no matter how excited I am for this little baby. So I guess this is 1 of the most important reasons why I'm sharing this story, no matter how scary it is: to let anyone out there who's having difficulty with being pregnant or conceiving or figuring out whether or not they even want a child know that they're not alone, that it's actually perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and scared with the entire process. It's not whiny, it's not complaining, it's not petty: it's just hard.
You might wonder how we managed to keep up with our regular posting schedule during this time. I have my amazing (supportive and hard working) team to thank for that! Luckily, we had assembled lots of content during the September Fashion Weeks, which helped a lot. The hardest thing about it was actually not being able to stick to this promise, and just tell you upfront what was going on. I'm honestly so relieved we're past that, and grateful to have the opportunity to share everything with you now. :) I've been feeling a lot better these past couple of weeks, slowly regaining my strength and finally eating other things than my papa's whole grain waffles (the only thing I could sort of hold in during those first months; I wouldn't be surprised if the baby comes out as a little waffle-shaped human :)). I still get very nautious in the mornings and feel exhausted after the smallest efforts, but at least I have some breathing space now and then, to be genuinely excited for what's coming (and to eat buckets of pineapple, my first craving!). My doctor says that it's very well possible I might be getting back some of the symptoms during my final trimester, but at least I'm super relieved that I'm feeling better now, because 9 months of that ... - let's just say it would have been a really cute kid to have gotten me through that. :)
So, this turned out to be a longer story than I expected, but I guess we had a lot to catch up on. :) I really hope this unedited version of my experiences may at least prevent someone from feeling alone throughout their journey, whichever that is. You will get through this, you will feel like yourself again - just a more experienced and stronger version. Now go on and buy that extra pair of heels - you deserved it.
Have you been through a similar experience, whether with pregnancy or something else that had your world turned upside down? How did you get through? I'd love to hear!
Picture of Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg